Insights not Spite

Monday, May 20th During morning meditation, I asked my Spirit Guide Somoya what I needed to know for today.  I then heard an internal voice say, “Support on a deeper level.” Over the weekend, I found myself hyper focused on learning why bullies bully, how to manage their behavior, and how best to respond to my ex-wife’s aggressive/bullying behavior re: the want for braces for our son.  My energy and focus was taken away from my wants and needs getting met and the wants and needs of my wife Kels doing things together.  In turn, it resulted in hurt feelings and my wife struggling to understand my behavior:  need to defend myself by formulating a response to my ex-wife, which took up a lot of our Saturday. As a result, my wife and I later in the evening spent hours arguing and misunderstanding one another, due to the stress generated by this other person’s behavior .  By the end of the evening we were able to validate and understand one another.  I was a...

Sunday, May 19th During morning meditation, I asked my Spirit Guide Somoya what I needed to know for today.  I then heard an internal voice say, “I can’t trust her.” As I mentioned in my previous entry, I was t-boned by my ex.  She is not consistent with her behavior in public and uses emails and texts to be aggressive and bully.  She is too scared to bully me face to face. I forgive too easily and hope she will behave differently over time.  I then let down my guard, which leads to me getting emotionally upset and hurt all over again.  The only way I can protect myself from her emotional and financial abuse, is to minimize engagement, know my basic universal human rights, and respond when necessary, set the tone, be in charge, be void of emotion in my response, and do limit setting. I am a victim of many years of emotional and financial abuse from my ex.  It is embarrassing and I am ashamed to admit this.  I am a male and my abuser is a female...

Saturday, May 18th Yesterday I received an email from my ex-wife.  It was an ultimatum over a non medical necessity: braces for our son or being forced to pay for meditation.  Naturally I was angry.  I logically knew her approach was wrong and she had no leg to stand on, yet I was genuinely still scared.  Per history, my voice is not heard or valued by my ex, when it comes to major decisions.  My feelings and thoughts are discounted.  I am not allowed to disagree without being bullied and/or pressured financially.  I am a very reasonable individual, when treated with respect and dignity.  Like  all human beings, I want to be apart of a decision making process.  I want my input heard and considered.  I need to have the freedom to agree to disagree, especially around non essential needs. I sometimes get bullied and pressured at work by co-workers, management, and even clients, cause I am a nice and gentle soul.  My old copi...

Wednesday, May 8th During morning meditation, I asked my Spirit Guide Somoya what I needed to know for today.  I then heard an internal voice say, "Trying something new...can't be that bad."   This is statement is true about anything in life, especially as I pursue different ways to get business.   Thursday, May 9th During morning meditation, I asked my Spirit Guide Somoya what I needed to know for today.  I then heard an internal voice say, "Being in the loop." I feel this pertains to work.  I am now a member of a Program Oversight Committee.  All the other members are managers and upper management.  Better to be informed, know whats going on, have the facts, then assume.  Takes the emotion out of it, if not assuming.  Good to know what is coming down the pike when it comes to group expectations and requirements.  Rids of unnecessary negative feelings, when in the loop.  Also, the program meeting is coming up ne...

Tuesday, May 7th During morning meditation, I asked my Spirit Guide Somoya what I needed to know for today.  I then heard an internal voice say, “Come clean.” I need to always be honest with myself about my struggles and weaknesses in order to grow and succeed.

Monday, May 6th During morning meditation, I asked my Spirit Guide Somoya what I needed to know for today. I then heard an internal voice say, “Just taking care of your own needs.”  I am finding that there is less support and staff on the psych units. As a result, it is making me feel less safe and increasing my overall stress level. If I can’t change the environment, I have two choices: bring my concerns diplomatically to upper management, if not effective, take it upon myself to create my own safe environment within groups. In addition, due my best to decrease my time on the units when writing notes.

Sunday, May 5th During morning meditation, I asked my Spirit Guide Somoya what I needed to know for today.  I then heard an internal voice say, "They reached out to you." Yesterday, as I mentioned in my last entry, I reached out to three people in hopes of getting opportunities to get paid to present/teach OPA For Mental Health, LLC to agencies, hospitals, and/or Peer Specialists via the State of Washington.  I am quickly getting over my fear of rejection.  I am allowing myself to be vulnerable enough to fail, in order to succeed!  One can't happen without the other.  It is just like you wouldn't recognize good, unless there was bad behavior in the world.  That is what makes us want to choose to do the difficult work to be good, otherwise we would make no effort at all.  Same goes for business.  If everything came easy, one wouldn't need to do business.  There wouldn't be any incentives to make your business grow. It is challenges in li...

Saturday, May 4th During morning meditation, I received two messages.  I asked my Spirit Guide Somoya what I needed to know for today.  I then heard an internal voice say, "Next time you see it...it is brutal." I next heard, "You're stuck on the menu.  All these choices." I am not quite sure what the first message is about.  My only logical guess is that it may pertain to a Netflix TV series or Hulu series my wife and I have been watching.   The second message from Somoya made a lot of since.  It pertains to me struggling with moving forward with my consulting business while having a job.  I think way to much about what steps to take next and how to make both my current job and business balance out.    Per history, I have been scared to just put it out there:  network daily and send lots of emails and/or texts requesting for potential paid presentations and/or training opportunities.   My fear that I created in the ...

Friday, May 3rd During afternoon meditation, I asked my Spirit Guide Somoya ten times out loud:  "Please heal me."  Then I asked her, "How are you going to heal me today?" out loud ten times.  Next, I received a visual in black and white that lasted several seconds.  I observed a large male figure looking at me sitting on the floor with my back against the wall.  He then said, "Stand easily standing."  When I first stood up in the visual, I was still slouching to the right, not standing upright.  The large figure of a man then directed with the movement of his hands for me to stand up tall.  He moved both of his hands in the air back and forth in a twisting motion to show me how to stand up straight and tall.  I then stood up straight. I feel emotionally exhausted and beat up from several traumatic events that occurred yesterday that was out of my control.  Somoya's visual and message made me realize she is absolutely right.  I ...

Friday, May 3rd During morning meditation, I asked my Spirit Guide Somoya what I needed to know for today.  I then heard an internal voice say, "I can't find it." At first I thought this message from Somoya was literal.  I asked my son if he had lost anything this morning.  He stated, "No.  But daddy, maybe it means something else...a different kind of loss."  My son is brilliant.  I was being way too concrete. I began thinking about how unsafe I feel in my work environment as of lately.   This past Thursday was a shit show on the unit a couple of hours before I left work.   The director stated such an incident had never happened on the unit in her very long career.  It was a very unsafe situation, but luckily no patients or staff got hurt. In addition, for the past five years I have had to battle with management to have backup with potentially unsafe clients when it comes to discharge and following out in the community.  Managem...

Thursday, May 1st During morning meditation, I asked my Spirit Guide Somoya what I needed to know for today. I then heard an internal voice say, "It's too easy." I am thinking most likely this message is referring to my current work situation of running my OPA For Mental Health, LLC group.  I need to challenge/push myself more to get my cognitive method for manage stress, creating daily, structure, and achieving goals out in the community on Fridays and or Saturdays.  This is whether I do it on my own or with my friend Eric from work.  

Monday, April 29th During morning meditation, I asked my Spirit Guide Somoya what I needed to know for today.  I then heard an internal voice say, "I am so pissed."  I wasn't sure what this was going to refer to, and if it would be pertaining to today or some time soon. 5/2/19:  Update: Today I woke up and had a bad feeling that it was going to be a challenging day.  My vibration felt low.  I tried everything to raise my vibration before starting work, but still felt uneasy.  Soon after starting work, I had a team meeting.  My supervisor celebrated one of my co-worker's successes discharging a client, while at the same time slamming me in front of my co-workers about having an unsuccessful discharge, which was completely out of my control.  I immediately called him on it and shut him down by offering a positive update about the client.  I was proud of myself for standing up for myself, but very disappointed and hurt by his behavior...

Wednesday, May 1st During morning meditation, I asked my Spirit Guide Somoya what I needed to know for today.  I then heard an internal voice say, “I did not say that or imply that I needed help.”   In my profession, working in behavioral health services, I have to be very mindful and respectful that a lot of people don’t want help moving forward with recovery or even interested in recovery.  It is extremely challenging not to want to save or fix others, especially when you see they are capable of living a happier and healthier life.