She Wasn't There!

Friday, March 1st

During morning meditation, I asked my Spirit Guide Somoya what I needed to know for today.  I then heard an internal voice say, "She wasn't there!"  It was loud in my head and sounded like my voice.

It was upsetting to hear.  My mom's birthday is coming up.  She would of been 86 years old on March 7th, 2019.  My mom died two years ago on December 8th.  

My childhood is a blur to me.  I believe I have always lived with anxiety, which doesn't help with recalling memories.  I have one vivid memory that still runs through my mind from time to time.  I see myself in my crib.  It is in the evening.  I am standing up and crying in the dark.  I am saying, "You don't love me!  You don't love!"  I repeat this over and over again, as my mom stands on the other side of the crib and tries to reassure me that she does.  Yet she doesn't hold me or touch me.  

The story goes, my sister Erin and my sister Kathleen did a lot of the nurturing for me when my mother went back to work as a full-time nurse.  I was the last of seven children.  I know my mom did her best, but I am sure children raising children isn't the healthiest.

It would be safe to say I have grown up with separation anxiety and fear of abandonment issues.  This has affected me throughout my life in the following ways: relationships with family members and many friends, work relationships, and romantic relationships.  I often have had fear around trust and DREAD people leaving me. 

Having been blessed with the idea and wisdom to develop my own cognitive method for managing stress, and having been exposed to behavioral health in my workplace the last ten years, I have learn to cope much better around my separation anxiety and fear of abandonment issues.   

I was very fortunate to have the opportunity to speak to my mom on the phone an hour before she passed.  We apologized to one another.  We told one another how much we loved each other.  I shared my reason for creating distance the last several years.  I needed space to grow up, figure out my needs and wants, and create healthy boundaries.  My mother stated she understood.  She kept saying, "I am dying!  I am dying!"  We cried together over the phone.  I reassured her it was OK to let go.  I stated her mom, dad, sisters, my sister Kathleen and my brother Joel were waiting for her.   She then hung up the phone.  By the time I made it to her assisted living establishment, she was gone.  But she remains constantly in my healed heart and in my dreams from time to time.