Apologize

Thursday, March 14th

During morning meditation, I asked my Spirit Guide Somoya what I needed to know for today.  I then heard an internal voice say, "Apologize."  

Yesterday at work, I received a call from our son Mason a little before 5pm.  I was just finishing up teaching group on the psych unit.  He knows I work from 9-5:30pm, and not to call me at work, unless there is a serious problem.  Mason has never called me at work.  Therefore, my brain went to the worst scenario-there must be an emergency.  

I immediately called Mason back, feeling and sounding on alert.  He sounded happy, not in distress, which was great news!  I then asked why he called me at work.  He stated he wanted me to be flexible around his science project.  He stated I had the best idea and wanted to use it.  (Mason's birth mom has been pushing to have him use my idea the past week.)  I felt caught off guard at work with the phone call.  On one hand, I was happy to hear his voice, but upset he didn't respect my boundaries around calls at work.  In addition, I felt angry, due to the fact that Kelli and I had a long conversation with Mason the week he was with us about not using my idea.  He was to use my idea as an example.  Mason was to use his critical thinking skills to find a similar object to make his science project work:  coding a round robot to draw shapes on paper using a marker.  The difficult task is to find an object to fit the robot in and attach the marker to.  Also the circumference and weight of the object that is being pushed is crucial.  

Kelli and I and his teacher want him to learn and practice skills of critical thinking.   These skills are necessary in order to be successful in our world.  Not to mention, technology is one of Mason's passions.  Without learning and practicing how to critically think on his own; he will miss out on opportunities in the future to do the type of jobs he desires: working with electricity and/or solar.  

In a nut shell, I got sucked into a 45 minute "NATO" type negotiation.  I was under pressure to leave work, finish up a lot of paperwork, and get home to my wife Kels.  She was hoping to have dinner and relax with me in the evening.  I had to quickly think on my feet.  I was trying to avoid having my wife, son, and ex-wife all upset with me at once.  I already got hell this past weekend from my ex for holding my ground around the project.  I stressed in an email that the teacher wants the students to do the work on their own.  We as parents are only there to off minimal guidance.  My wife Kels supports the teachers instructions too.  I didn't want to undermine my wife Kels authority or go back on what we said as parents earlier in the week.  In addition, I didn't want my son upset with me either.  

It took me awhile to switch from the emotional state to the logical state in my head.  I went back to being a parent, not trying to please, and not caring what others think of me.  As a result, I chose to keep my boundary with my son, which made him sad and his birth mom mad.  I could hear her in the background telling him to hang up the phone.  This was due to neither one of them getting their wants met.  I made the best choice, even though I debated over the phone for so long whether to give in or not.  Unfortunately, this long conversation upset me in the end.  I had to call my wife Kels and debrief.  This lead to more talking on the phone.  I then had to spend an hour or so finishing up my notes.  By the time I got home, Kels was pretty much off to bed.  

That is why I decided to send my wife Kels a heart felt apology text the next morning before work.  She stated that she appreciated it.  She shared that she did miss spending quality time the evening before.  She knows I am working hard at being a parent and not a friend to our son Mason.  She praises me often for showing courage and keeping my happiness and power when being bullied by my ex.  I am grateful that I held my line and had a spine with our son Mason.  I believe that is what made it easy for my wife Kels to forgive around my tardiness.  She still deserved an apology.  Thank you Somoya for encouraging me to do that: apologize.