Becoming Independent
Saturday, October 6th
During morning meditation, I asked my Spirit Guide Somoya what I needed to know for today. I then internally heard, "Becoming independent did not feel good to me at all."
Growing up, both of my parents tried to hold on to me as long as possible. I was the last of seven children. If they were to let go of me, that only meant they were left to deal and live with one another. I felt used by both as a distraction. I didn't feel empowered or encouraged to live and be successful and happy on my own. I felt it was my primary job to make both of them happy. When I look back, I was taught to be co-dependent, rather than independent. I received this subtle message by observing my older siblings behavior. If I was well behaved, received good grades, and stayed out of trouble, I could stay as long as I wanted, rent free, if continuing off to college. My big problem was living with learning challenges. (I live with ADD. ) Therefore, higher education in my mind was not attractive or an achievable goal. Competitive cycling was my happiness and offered temporary independence via daily workouts, races, and travel. When my father suddenly took this only form of happiness and independence away from me at age 18, major depression slowly took hold. I was told to attend the University of Washington. I was told to live at home and to commute to school. In the process of having my pseudo independence stripped away, I even tried to advocate going off to Western Washington University for academic support. I had close friends who lived with learning challenges who were planning on attending this school. I was refused by my father, due to cost for room and board.
When I look back on my history of co-dependency, it does not feel good. I realize I have continued this pattern with employment and intimate relationships. I learned to just follow the rules, not make waves by suppressing my voice, and be controlled by financial power.
I feel my parents did me a disservice. It makes me mad. I wasn't encouraged to thrive, pursue my passions, and taught skills to live independently. I have only learned to shift from one institutional framework to another, safety and smoothly: Parents. Employment. Marriage.
It has only been recently, my wife Kelli (second marriage), who has encouraged and allowed me to be independent in our partnership and commitment to one another. She has freed me from co-dependency! This process has been frightening as hell. I have had this unhealthy pattern for 46 years, all my life.
I recognize the unhealthy pattern of co-dependency in my workplace too. The work environment in the hospital is dysfunctional, yet it is comfortable. On top of it, when I talk of leaving, management ultimately wants me to stay, so I stay. I feel manipulated by the potential loss of financial benefits, if I am to lead astray. As you can see, there are striking parallels between family life and work.
I only want to stay in my job for the right reasons, not because I am scared to venture out on my own and try new careers. Leaving the nest was hard, but leaving a comfortable work environment and trying something new is even more difficult. I don't get to go back "home"so to speak, if things don't work out the way I expected. My responsibilities remain the same, with or without the income coming in.
Moving forward, I am letting go of my angst. I am fortunate that my daily job involves engaging with one of my passions. Daily, I am doing better at visualizing a healthier career path, to share my skill-sets with others. Soon I will feel strong, independent, and happy with my career choice.
During morning meditation, I asked my Spirit Guide Somoya what I needed to know for today. I then internally heard, "Becoming independent did not feel good to me at all."
Growing up, both of my parents tried to hold on to me as long as possible. I was the last of seven children. If they were to let go of me, that only meant they were left to deal and live with one another. I felt used by both as a distraction. I didn't feel empowered or encouraged to live and be successful and happy on my own. I felt it was my primary job to make both of them happy. When I look back, I was taught to be co-dependent, rather than independent. I received this subtle message by observing my older siblings behavior. If I was well behaved, received good grades, and stayed out of trouble, I could stay as long as I wanted, rent free, if continuing off to college. My big problem was living with learning challenges. (I live with ADD. ) Therefore, higher education in my mind was not attractive or an achievable goal. Competitive cycling was my happiness and offered temporary independence via daily workouts, races, and travel. When my father suddenly took this only form of happiness and independence away from me at age 18, major depression slowly took hold. I was told to attend the University of Washington. I was told to live at home and to commute to school. In the process of having my pseudo independence stripped away, I even tried to advocate going off to Western Washington University for academic support. I had close friends who lived with learning challenges who were planning on attending this school. I was refused by my father, due to cost for room and board.
When I look back on my history of co-dependency, it does not feel good. I realize I have continued this pattern with employment and intimate relationships. I learned to just follow the rules, not make waves by suppressing my voice, and be controlled by financial power.
I feel my parents did me a disservice. It makes me mad. I wasn't encouraged to thrive, pursue my passions, and taught skills to live independently. I have only learned to shift from one institutional framework to another, safety and smoothly: Parents. Employment. Marriage.
It has only been recently, my wife Kelli (second marriage), who has encouraged and allowed me to be independent in our partnership and commitment to one another. She has freed me from co-dependency! This process has been frightening as hell. I have had this unhealthy pattern for 46 years, all my life.
I recognize the unhealthy pattern of co-dependency in my workplace too. The work environment in the hospital is dysfunctional, yet it is comfortable. On top of it, when I talk of leaving, management ultimately wants me to stay, so I stay. I feel manipulated by the potential loss of financial benefits, if I am to lead astray. As you can see, there are striking parallels between family life and work.
I only want to stay in my job for the right reasons, not because I am scared to venture out on my own and try new careers. Leaving the nest was hard, but leaving a comfortable work environment and trying something new is even more difficult. I don't get to go back "home"so to speak, if things don't work out the way I expected. My responsibilities remain the same, with or without the income coming in.
Moving forward, I am letting go of my angst. I am fortunate that my daily job involves engaging with one of my passions. Daily, I am doing better at visualizing a healthier career path, to share my skill-sets with others. Soon I will feel strong, independent, and happy with my career choice.
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