Lack of personal acceptance can be deadly
Thursday, September 6th
During morning meditation, internally I heard, "Not accepting your ADHD is killing you." Yesterday I was having a nice casual conversation with a co-worker I hadn't seen in a while. He asked how I liked my job. I stated that inpatient psych was intense and exhausting after five years. I said I was open to other work opportunities. He immediately said with enthusiasm, "You can go back to school!" I began to feel sad and felt insecure. I blurted out, "No. I don't do well with school, due to my learning challenges." My friend lost his excitement for me and said, "Oh." I shared that my hope was to pursue more paid trainings out in the community, regarding the cognitive tool I developed for managing mental health effectively. He didn't show excitement or comment either way, which made me feel even more insecure. I was mad with myself for caring so much about what he thought was best for me, or whether or not he approved of my future endeavors.
I still struggle accepting that I live with ADHD/ADD. I have much internal stigma/shame. I allow it to hold me back academically. It makes me so angry that so many people cheat or misuse drugs to get high marks in school. They use drugs to hyper focus and get work done quickly. I can't compete against this, due to the fact that I refuse to cheat, take short cuts, and lie.
I have not radically accepted myself, when it comes to living with learning challenges. I keep trying to "fix" myself and/or hide the learning challenges from others. I make excuses not to grow further/challenge myself academically.
I feel my lack of acceptance and understanding around my ADHD is figuratively "killing" my potential growth as a human being in this lifetime. If I was more open, had more self love, didn't care what others thought of me, and discovered more ways to support the different ways that I learn and process, maybe future academics wouldn't be so traumatic like my past schooling. I would be open in the future to taking one non-credit class involving my interests: business and counseling. I am allowed to take free classes via my workplace. From there, I could see how I feel and where that takes me...
On the other hand, possibly what was meant by what I heard, was the angst of NOT accepting my limitations is slowly "killing" me in the process. I am feeling the NEED to go back to school to prove something to myself or others. This has been going on for 25 plus years. The fact is chronic stress/anxiety is a major killer within our society.
The reality is I TRULY love and I am PASSIONATE about the daily work that I do. I am incredibly fortunate, even if the pay doesn't match the hard work and stress that comes with the job.
For now, I am going to work and being more grateful, breathing deeply, and allowing life to guide me, rather than me worry and force my future path. This seems like way more fun!!
During morning meditation, internally I heard, "Not accepting your ADHD is killing you." Yesterday I was having a nice casual conversation with a co-worker I hadn't seen in a while. He asked how I liked my job. I stated that inpatient psych was intense and exhausting after five years. I said I was open to other work opportunities. He immediately said with enthusiasm, "You can go back to school!" I began to feel sad and felt insecure. I blurted out, "No. I don't do well with school, due to my learning challenges." My friend lost his excitement for me and said, "Oh." I shared that my hope was to pursue more paid trainings out in the community, regarding the cognitive tool I developed for managing mental health effectively. He didn't show excitement or comment either way, which made me feel even more insecure. I was mad with myself for caring so much about what he thought was best for me, or whether or not he approved of my future endeavors.
I still struggle accepting that I live with ADHD/ADD. I have much internal stigma/shame. I allow it to hold me back academically. It makes me so angry that so many people cheat or misuse drugs to get high marks in school. They use drugs to hyper focus and get work done quickly. I can't compete against this, due to the fact that I refuse to cheat, take short cuts, and lie.
I have not radically accepted myself, when it comes to living with learning challenges. I keep trying to "fix" myself and/or hide the learning challenges from others. I make excuses not to grow further/challenge myself academically.
I feel my lack of acceptance and understanding around my ADHD is figuratively "killing" my potential growth as a human being in this lifetime. If I was more open, had more self love, didn't care what others thought of me, and discovered more ways to support the different ways that I learn and process, maybe future academics wouldn't be so traumatic like my past schooling. I would be open in the future to taking one non-credit class involving my interests: business and counseling. I am allowed to take free classes via my workplace. From there, I could see how I feel and where that takes me...
On the other hand, possibly what was meant by what I heard, was the angst of NOT accepting my limitations is slowly "killing" me in the process. I am feeling the NEED to go back to school to prove something to myself or others. This has been going on for 25 plus years. The fact is chronic stress/anxiety is a major killer within our society.
The reality is I TRULY love and I am PASSIONATE about the daily work that I do. I am incredibly fortunate, even if the pay doesn't match the hard work and stress that comes with the job.
For now, I am going to work and being more grateful, breathing deeply, and allowing life to guide me, rather than me worry and force my future path. This seems like way more fun!!
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