"I Was Completely Burnt Out from Home."
Thursday, September 27th
This morning during meditation, I asked my Spirit Guide Somoya what she wanted me to know for today. I then internally heard, "I was completely burnt out from home."
My childhood was exhausting. I had to deal with a large family of drama. I am the youngest of seven. There was violence that I observed, yelling, siblings leaving or being kicked out of the home, a sibling missing for a decade, a couple siblings struggling with drug addictions, and one struggling with chronic physical problems. In addition, I had my issues to. I also was caught between having to take sides, when it came to living with my parents. Neither liked one another or respected one another. When they would get angry with my behavior, either one would say, "You are just like your mother!" or "You are just like your father!" The problem is I wanted to be loved by both. I want to please. I felt if I didn't secretly take sides, I would be loved less by the other parent. Ever since, I have cared way too much what people think of me and so badly want to be liked by everyone. Recently I am taking steps to not care what people think of me, by setting limits and boundaries with everyone I encounter in my life. This refers to family members (especially my son), friends, co-workers, management, and the clients I serve in social services. It is hard not to care, when this has been such a pattern all of my life. I won't ever get the respect I deserve, unless I consistently stand up for myself by setting limits and boundaries on a consistent basis. The ones who push me the most, respect me the least. They also in turn get angry with me or quickly turn mean. That reveals more about them. I need to stop being scared of their anger. They use their anger to control my behavior.
This morning during meditation, I asked my Spirit Guide Somoya what she wanted me to know for today. I then internally heard, "I was completely burnt out from home."
My childhood was exhausting. I had to deal with a large family of drama. I am the youngest of seven. There was violence that I observed, yelling, siblings leaving or being kicked out of the home, a sibling missing for a decade, a couple siblings struggling with drug addictions, and one struggling with chronic physical problems. In addition, I had my issues to. I also was caught between having to take sides, when it came to living with my parents. Neither liked one another or respected one another. When they would get angry with my behavior, either one would say, "You are just like your mother!" or "You are just like your father!" The problem is I wanted to be loved by both. I want to please. I felt if I didn't secretly take sides, I would be loved less by the other parent. Ever since, I have cared way too much what people think of me and so badly want to be liked by everyone. Recently I am taking steps to not care what people think of me, by setting limits and boundaries with everyone I encounter in my life. This refers to family members (especially my son), friends, co-workers, management, and the clients I serve in social services. It is hard not to care, when this has been such a pattern all of my life. I won't ever get the respect I deserve, unless I consistently stand up for myself by setting limits and boundaries on a consistent basis. The ones who push me the most, respect me the least. They also in turn get angry with me or quickly turn mean. That reveals more about them. I need to stop being scared of their anger. They use their anger to control my behavior.
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