Compassion at my job vs. Compassion on the Street

Today was a challenging day, but more so after work.  I work with individuals who live with mental illness and/or addictions.  I do my best each day to center myself before work.  I try to be an open compassionate vessel of support, and provide knowledge to guide others through there day to day recovery.  Most days, I do well at this.  I am able to actively listen, while showing compassion.  I do best not to force my agenda.  I patiently wait for others to want my assistance.  I connect people to resources.  I am extra eyes and ears for others, when they are too scared or anxious to take information in for themselves when meeting with providers and other professional staff.  I advocate for their needs and wants, when they don't feel heard or are unable to use their voice, due to acute symptoms.  I often work with people who are not grateful for my efforts, or the efforts of other professional behavioral staff.  Such lack of gratitude quickly wears on all of us.  Compassion often decreases as a result.  We think negative thoughts about the individuals we are serving that are ungrateful and/or state it out loud and commiserate with one another in order to feel better about ourselves.  Yet, all of us know it would be very unprofessional to truly state how we are feeling in the moment to the individual.  The incentive of receiving a paycheck and keeping a job, curtails our actions accordingly.  I want to learn not to expect others to be grateful, but just be there for them and offer compassion.  No strings attached.

The real question is how do we really act when we are treated with the same disrespect out in the open community...when the consequences are different?

Today I failed to make time to meditate in the morning and at work.  I never felt quite centered.  I was extremely busy throughout the day, with little time to process.  I was able to "keep it together" at work without reacting internally with negative thoughts when certain individuals were being ungrateful.  It was a completely different story, when I was put to the test, after getting off the bus after work.

The true irony was I was in the process of finishing my daily Gratitude app on my phone, when I got off the bus.  I was approached by a very old woman that was not mentally stable and hungry.  At first, she asked in a kind voice, "Can I have some money?"  I didn't respond.  She then asked, "Can I have some food?"  I kindly responded, "Yes.  I have some food you can have."  I proceeded to open my backpack and pull out two small oranges.  I put them in her hand.  She then quickly reached into my bag and said, "Do you have any other food you can give me?"  I pushed her hand away.  I stated, "No."  She then threw both oranges at me.  Then she proceeded to call me horrible racist names.  I reacted as quickly as she did.  I called her names back and walked away.  People stared at both of us, not having seen the whole event transpire.  I didn't care at first what others thought, but felt very angry.  I felt hurt she didn't appreciate the food that I bought with my money, and she then threw it at me.  I felt initialed to call her names, cause she called me names and was being ungrateful.  I am not proud of my actions.   I have never had someone behave towards me this way in public when I offered them food.   It totally through me off guard.

The insight that it gave about me is that I have much more work to do.  I didn't react appropriately and consistently today with my values and morals.  If I am going to have compassion for myself and the rest of humanity on a day to day basis, I need to demonstrate that on and off the clock any day and at anytime.