"Self Intervention"

Last night, while watching a TV show called "Intervention", instead of being entertained by watching the tragic life struggles of people with drug addictions, I instead became enlightened by the fact that I have learned co-dependency from my parents.  In turn, over the years I have entered into several relationships being co-dependent or with another co-dependent individual.  I, like all people, don't like or want to be labeled with a diagnosis that carries negative connotations.  Therefore, up until this point, I have not been open to learning what co-dependency is or even looks like.  I was even resistant up until last night, after watching the show, to even Google the WebMD definition of co-dependency.  When I gathered the courage to finally read and understand what this term meant, I was very relieved and at peace, in spite of the fact that I completely identified with something undesirable. In away, "I have come out of the closet", regarding this part of my personality. 

This new and profound insight about myself supports the classic living and breathing definition of co-dependency:  I often need support and reassurance about whether I am doing the right thing, or if I am good enough.  I am still learning and gaining a sense of self-identity.  I am not comfortable with silence, whether it be the environment, with others, and especially with preparing myself for making time for meditation.

The reality is the process of meditation and gaining the benefits is easy for me.  Getting myself to make quiet time to do it is another thing.  I consciously make excuses to avoid this practice.  I am scared to go deep within.   I am terrified what may resurrect by letting go of control of my thoughts.  Deep breathing, relaxing, being quiet, and clearing the mind all are elements that put me in touch with what I am running from and trying to better understand and heal...my true self.  My true identity.

By not feeling comfortable within my own skin, leads to me leaning too heavily on my partner for emotional support.  I then become enmeshed.  Due to being heard, validated, and supported daily, at first it feels right.  I feel complete. I feel whole.  But over a period of time, this illusion of safety, comfort, and completeness resorts back to feeling anxious, insecure, lonely, jealous, fearful, and paranoid. Worst of all, the sum of all of these feelings leads to me controlling others, in hopes to feel safe again.  Even though my intent is not to control, this is unfortunately what manifests.

By willingly being able to put on this cloak labeled co-dependency, I am able to better understand, feel, and own it's definition.  Shedding or ridding of this label, requires me to do the hard work.  That hard work entails me wanting to change, being aware of my flawed personality traits, and being willing to transform myself with honesty and humility.    I took the first step last evening.  Before bed, I approached my beautiful and loving wife.  I sat by her side and shared what I have shared with you.  I owned it and apologized for my behavior.  I am moving forward by letting my future daily actions reveal my new, healthy, and independent self.